


I Need More Time

by Beeexx



Series: To Love [2]
Category: Journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Finn thinks a lot, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, lots and lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:02:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22036756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beeexx/pseuds/Beeexx
Summary: Finn waits for Poe to wake up from his coma.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Rose Tico
Series: To Love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1468766
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	I Need More Time

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I am back again. I said this would be up sooner and then that just didn't happen...whooops. This chapter is also un-beta'd so there might be more spelling mistakes than normal. But it has been sitting on my laptop for so long now I thought I'd just post it and not be annoying and send it off to my beta.
> 
> If you haven't read part one of the series this will not make too much sense to you so I would probably recommend you read that first. 
> 
> There are some descriptions of Poe being hurt, it's not too bad but I just thought I'd put it here anyway.
> 
> So enjoy!

The shot rings in Finn’s ears and the world goes eerily silent.

He feels fear grip him so hard that in this moment he can’t make his own body move. He’s never felt fear like this, not in the way his heart stops for a second and the way ice seeps into his veins. He’s closed his eyes and suddenly it feels like there will be no point ever opening them again. He can’t… he can’t bring himself to look at Poe. Dead… never moving again. No, he doesn’t want to look. In this moment he doesn’t even care what The First Order plans to do with him, what’s the point anyway? 

He takes a breath and tries to breathe, knows somewhere in the back of his mind that it will make everything clearer. He really tries then to get oxygen back in his lungs so he can think. There’s a distinct ringing in his ears, making everything into fuzzy confusion. He can’t think straight. He’s fallen to the ground and he doesn’t remember how. He doesn’t want to get up though. What’s the point? He knows that much.

There’s commotion somewhere to his right but in his hazy state he barely registers it. It doesn’t matter anyway. 

“Finn!” He recognises the voice but he doesn’t understand what it’s doing here, he can’t connect the dots. The voice doesn’t sound fully real, it’s subdued and Finn thinks he might imagine it all.

“Hey!” The voice says again. He shakes himself, he finds the strength somewhere to look up. It’s Rose. He feels confused. What is she doing here? 

“Finn, get up!” Rose barks. Finn does as he’s told, the order forces him out of his haze for a little while and he gets up. He realises the stormtroopers that were holding him down are both lying dead at his feet. What?

He looks around himself for the first time. Somehow Rey’s there too and some more Resistance fighters. Rey’s got her lightsaber and she is swinging it and taking down Stormtroopers left and right. She extends her hand and screams, two of them falls down, they will not be moving again. 

“Finn.” Rose says again, sternly. Their eyes meet and she throws him a blaster. As soon as he catches it his battle instincts kicks in and he’s on his feet. It takes over everything else and he doesn’t have time to think about anything else. He starts shooting, Rose does the same on his other side. Between the five of them they manage to take down the rest of the squadron very quickly. It doesn’t take long. Rey takes out the last one of them, and then it’s over.

The world goes silent again. 

“Finn, you okay?” Rey says and walks towards him. She’s dirty but she otherwise looks fine.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good.” 

“Rey.” Someone says. Finn doesn’t know his name, but he’s crouched down in front of Poe and it all comes back to him suddenly. It slams straight into him like a punch to the gut.

Poe.

“Commander Dameron doesn’t look too well.” There’s a slight edge to his voice. Finn rushes forward with Rose and Rey closely following behind.

“Poe.” Finn whispers and falls to his knees. He’s not moving and there’s a paleness to his skin that looks unnatural on Poe’s otherwise lively face. It doesn’t suit him. It makes Finn scared to touch, afraid of the answer he will find if he reaches out. Rose slowly reaches forward and gently touches Poe’s face. She turns his head towards her and Finn thinks she’s trying to find his pulse. He holds his breath afraid of what the answer will be.

“I can barely feel his pulse.” Rose says, but she remains calm. Finn tries not to let the words break him.

Rey reaches forward, slowly turning Poe’s head too. She looks at Finn apologetically. 

“I’m sorry.” She says and Finn doesn’t know what she means, and before he can answer Rey closes her eyes and touches Poe’s forehead. Finn doesn’t know what she’s doing, but it seems to do something because Poe breathes then, a deep breath rattles through his body, he and continues to take them. Whatever Rey did though Poe’s still not waking up. He remains too still.

“This won’t keep him alive, he needs medical attention right now.” Rey says. 

“Okay, let’s get back to base.”

Rey lifts Poe up and he floats, still unconscious. Finn feels like he isn’t fully there again. Like he can’t seem to understand what’s happening in front of him. Everything has a distance to it. It’s like he’s watching it from someone else’s body. Rose gently touches his arm.

“Come on.” She nudges him forward and he starts walking on autopilot. But in his hazy state he still has enough sense left to keep his eyes on Poe all the while. They get on the ship and Finn doesn’t know how. He’s working on some sort of built in conditioning, another sort of instinct that’s kicked in allowing him to walk even though he’d like nothing more than to lie down and scream. Rose, thankfully, doesn’t leave his side. 

Somehow they get back to their base. It mustn’t take very long, but Finn really can’t be sure to trust his mind in this moment. Once on the ground there is a medical team waiting for them, they all wear serious faces and Finn isn’t sure how to feel about it all. He recognises Dr. Kalonia at the front. Leia is there too. She looks scared and Finn doesn’t know what it all means.

“Finn.”

They get off the ship and Rey floats Poe to a gurney and Dr. Kalonia is there in an instant. She starts giving out orders. Finn doesn’t hear any of it.

“Finn.”

He can’t tear his eyes away from Poe. He’s still breathing but he barely looks alive.

“Finn!”

He’s snapped out of his thoughts. It’s Rey. She’s standing in front of him snapping her fingers.

“What?”

“What happened to Poe.” She says and looks at Dr. Kalonia who is looking at Finn, waiting for him to speak. They all seem to be waiting for him, expecting something from him that he can’t wrap his fucking head around.

“He got shot by a blaster.” He starts, tries to find his footing but he doesn’t know how to ground himself in this moment, it all feels so foreign, so out of place. “The injury, it got infected. I t-tried to do anything I could, b-but I’m not sure it worked. He’s been in an out of it for the last 2 hours. He’s had a fever. I tried everything and then he barely woke up the last time-” His voice is shaking, he can barely form words. He’s floating away. 

Dr. Kalonia lifts Poe’s shirt up, the wound looks bad, inflamed and it has a bluish colour to it that doesn’t look like it belongs on Poe’s skin. Finn can see that it’s bleeding again and then he can’t look at it anymore. He tears his eyes away and tries to focus on something else. Anything else that won’t make him think of Poe.

“Surgery now. Code red.” Dr. Kalonia says and the words seems to carry some sort of meaning that’s lost on Finn. They all kick into action and starts moving, rolling Poe away from him. Finn takes a step to follow them but Rey stops him.

“Hey Finn, you need to take it easy.” She says. He tries breaking free but she has an iron grip on him.

“No, I can’t leave him. I told him I wouldn’t leave him.”

“Finn-” Rey has tears in her eyes. “Finn.”

“What?”

She opens and closes her mouth, no words are coming out.

“What?” He snaps.

“There’s nothing you can do for him right now.” Rose says, she steps past Rey, they share a look Finn doesn’t understand and Rey lets him go. Rose takes her place and Finn feels like he’s missing something but he can’t figure out what it is.

“He’s going into surgery, you can’t be in there. Finn you need to breathe.”

Rey and Leia share a look, Finn doesn’t miss it. Leia gulps and Finn feels scared. They know something that he doesn’t.

“What’s going on?” He’s way past formalities, he speaks to Leia. Desperate and a little angry but he doesn’t care right now. She meets his eyes, there are tears in them.

“You need to calm down Finn.”

“Stop telling me to calm down.” He wrenches free from Rose’s grip and takes a step towards Leia. She doesn't move as he closes in on her.

“Finn.” Rey says and takes a step towards him.

“Tell me what’s going on.” He demands. Rey closes her eyes and shudders.

“He’s in such a bad condition Finn. I c-can’t feel him any more.”

“What do you mean you can’t ‘feel’ him?” He asks them both. Rey’s the one to answer.

“I can’t feel him in the force any more.”

“What the fuck that does mean?!”

“It means he’s dying.” Leia says. Finn stops moving. 

Everything stops.

“What?”

“I’m not sure he’s going to make it.” Rey says, unshed tears in her eyes.

“You did something to him though? He was breathing.” He can’t keep the desperation from his voice.

“Yes… but I’m not sure if it was enough. I’m not strong enough with force healing yet and I don’t know if I did anything to make it better...”

“He’s not dying…” Finn says. He’s not. That’s not true.

It’s not true.

“He’s in surgery, so it’s hard to know if he’ll pull through from it. His injuries were so bad he was almost dead by the time Rey got to him” Leia says.

“No…” The tears starts falling. “There’s still time.”

“I am afraid there might not be.” Leia whispers.

“You don’t know that. The force doesn’t know everything! I’m not giving up hope. I’m not giving up on him!”

“Finn-” Leia starts.

“No.” He snaps, he feels anger take form. “No. You can’t give up on him. He’s going to pull through.”

Leia doesn’t say anything, but she looks worried, and like she’s humuring him when she allows him to go on. He doesn’t care. He wipes furiously at his eyes.

“I’m going to him now, and if any of you try and stop me I will shoot.” He means it. He really does. He takes a hold of his blaster indicating that he is dead serious in the moment. None of them say anything and they don’t try to stop him. He leaves angry and feeling so fucking scared. 

The base is relatively small so it doesn’t take him long to get to the med bay. It’s busy, busier than he’s ever seen it. People are moving about and it makes the room feel strangely alive. There is one room with a closed door and it must be where Poe is, he heads for it.

“You can’t go in there.” Someone says. Finn comes to a a stops. He turns his head and comes face to face with a med droid. It’s a relatively big droid, almost a little imposing in its size, but it’s speaking common tongue so Finn understands it. 

“I don’t think you’re in any position to stop me.” Finn warns. 

The droid chuckles.

“Feisty human. I like.”

He frowns but takes a step forward, he doesn’t care about orders at the moment. He’s well on his way of breaking each and every one of them that was programmed into him, he already has broken some of them and still he can’t bring himself to care, not when Poe’s in the picture.

“Commander Dameron is right now lying open on that table, Dr. Kalonia has her hands deep in his abdomen. One movement wrong will be enough for him to bleed out and die. Are you sure you want to risk storming in there distracting the medical team?”

Finn literally freezes on the spot. 

“I thought not.” Finn turns around, slowly.

“What do you want?”

“I’m a medic droid. I am programmed to look after people. And right now Sir I can tell that you have some injuries that would benefit from me tending to them. So why don’t you sit down and I will do so.”

“Fine.” Finn huffs but follows the droid. He’ll be close by, he’ll see and hear if anything changes. 

He gets up on the examination table and the process starts. The medic droid closes the curtains and gets to work. He doesn’t like the silence that follows.

“Any changes on Po- Commander Dameron?” He asks just to have something to do.

“No, not yet. Still in intensive surgery. You will know as soon as anything changes.”

“But he’s still alive?”

“He has flatlined once already. I cannot promise it will not happen again. His condition is alarmingly bad.”

“He what?!” Finn stands up and tries to get away but the droid stops him, pushes him firmly down again.

“Sit down human. You cannot do anything.”

“His heart stopped?”

“Only for a moment yes, but it’s now beating again.”

“Fuck.” He whispers but sits down again in defeat. “What are his chances of pulling through?”

“I cannot say, but they are low.”

“Calculate it for me.”

“Are you sure you want to know? Humans tend to react badly to numbers.”

“Count it.” He says authoritatively. 

“His percentage of pulling through is 15.66677 %.”

“Is that high or low for an injury this size?”

“Low. But numbers aren’t always correct Sir. They vary and there is an excellent medical team working on him at the moment.”

“And the force?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will it- …. I don’t know, Rey and the General said they can’t feel him in the force anymore. But he’s still alive, so what does it mean?”

“I cannot speak for the force, I deal in numbers and logic. But your Commander is still alive and that tells me that he’s still fighting. It is something.”

Your Commander. The words stay with him.

“It is something yes.”

The medic goes back to tending the bruise on his forehead. That’s all there is, bruising and a dislocated finger, nothing in comparison to what Poe’s dealing with.

They sit in silence after, he gets bandages for his finger and an ice pack for his swelling. 

“You cannot go in there. But I cannot stop you from waiting, so you are welcome to do that.”

“Yeah, thanks I guess.” He does as he’s been told this time around, the droid is right, he really can’t do anything right now. He sits down in the waiting era, keeps an eye on the door and waits and waits and waits. It takes hours. He doesn’t know how many but he’s there all evening. Waiting, waiting.

At some point Rey walks in. She looks apprehensive and tired Finn notes as he looks up and their eyes meet. There’s a moment where none of them say anything, it’s strangely awkward. But not for long.

“Are you angry at me?” Rey asks, she looks down. Finn sighs.

“No I’m not.” He scoots to his left, making room for her. Rey smiles gratefully and sits down.

“I’m sorry. I really am but I couldn’t feel him Finn. I can’t explain it, but he was just not there and I-I -....” Her voice breaks. Finn grabs her hand and squeezes.

“It’s okay, shh it’s okay.”

She wipes at her tears, he doesn’t say anything, just lets her have the moment.

“How is he?”

“I don’t know. He’s been in there for hours. No word. He’s flatlined once, that’s all I know. But I haven’t heard anything for a while now.”

“Okay.”

“He’ll make it.” He tries to convince them both.

“He will.” Rey squeezes his hand. “I brought some food for you. You should try and eat something.” 

His stomach churns uncomfortably, he doesn’t think he can stomach anything. But he hasn't had food for a very long time and it’s getting late, the day’s run away from him. He takes it off her and tries, really really tries to eat some of it.

They sit in silence after and it’s tense, Finn is on edge in a way he’s never been before. So much is on the line, the stakes higher than they ever been in his life. Rey tries to meditate but Finn can see that she’s struggling too. Finding peace in a moment of chaos and uncertainness it’s fucking impossible, especially when someone you care about is on the line.

The door opens suddenly and Finn’s on his feet in no time, Rey right beside him. Dr. Kalonia sees them and heads their way. She too looks tired. Finn quickly averts his eyes from her bloody scrubs and looks her straight in the eyes. 

“Ahh Rey, Finn I see you’ve made yourself comfortable.”

“How is he?” Finn asks and takes a step forward. His heart is beating so quickly. This has to be good news.

“He’s stable.”

Finn wobbles and Rey is quick to steady him, he lets out his breathe. Fuck. Rey looks relieved too. Dr. Kalonia smiles but it disappears quickly.

“His condition was so bad that I had to induce him into a coma. In that condition his body might be able to heal and recover from the injuries he’s sustained. But I really can’t promise anything. Injuries like this they’re tricky. It’s hard to know -”

“Coma?!” Finn interrupts. Rey wears a similar expression to Finn. 

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“It’s hard to know. We’ll keep him on a respirator for five days and then we’ll take it out and see if he can breathe on his own.”

“That’s all you can do?” Rey asks. Her hand is gripping Finn’s forearm tightly, he isn’t sure for whose benefit it is. 

“I’m afraid so. He flatlined twice on me in there. The infection is gone and I stopped the bleeding. He’s been given antibiotics as well and they helped but it took a toll on his body. It wasn’t safe to wake him up. Once those injuries are somewhat healed he should be able to come out of his coma.”

“Okay, thank you for everything.” Rey says before Finn can say something of the offending kind but he finds that once again he can’t make his mouth form any words.

“You can see him if you like.” She offers. 

“Yes, I’d like that.” Finn says, finally finding his voice again.

“I must warn you though. It’s not always easy to see people you love in a coma. It can get difficult and he’s just had a 6 hour long surgery. He might not look like you remember him.”

Finn nods. Rey takes a step forward, leads him almost, as they follow Dr. Kalonia to the room. Finn’s not sure if he’d be able to walk without Rey, her hand on his arm steadies him. He can feel it through the tin material of the shirt he’s wearing and it’s somewhere for him to anchor himself. Dr. Kalonia takes them to the room Poe’s in. There’s a distinct sound of a heart monitor beeping before the door is even opened. The room is relatively small but Finn feels the coolness of the temperature as soon as he steps inside. The white walls paints the room in a clinical light, there’s no comfort in them. And then in the middle there’s a bed. Poe’s laying still but even unmoving he takes up space, just like how he does under normal circumstances. He’s pale still, paler than Finn’s ever seen him. He looks dead, and Finn would think he was if it wasn’t for the steady rise and fall of his chest. There’s a tube in his mouth, helping him breathe. Finn’s struck by how uncomfortable it looks and he has a desperate moment where he thinks that Poe’s in pain because of it. It disappears as quickly as he thought it. Finn sits down on the uncomfortable chair beside the bed. He reaches for Poe’s hand almost immediately. It’s cold, so very cold. Finn knows that Poe doesn’t like the cold and he wishes he could make it go away.

“Hey.” He whispers. Rey sits down beside him but keeps her distance.

“We’ll keep monitoring him closely for the time being. Hopefully his stats will be improving enough to wake him up in five days.”

“And if they haven’t?”

“Well we can always wait a few more days but after that we can wait some more. Worst case scenario down the line is that we take him off life support.”

“If he doesn’t wake up on his own in five days you’ll take him off life support?!” Finn doesn’t mean to raise his voice. Rey flinches but Kalonia doesn’t react.

“If his stats doesn’t approve in five days we will wait a little longer. If they have improved we take him off life support and then we wait.”

“So you can’t give me an answer?”

“None that will satisfy you. I’m very sorry.”

“So what can I do then? Just wait?” There’s a desperate edge to his voice but he doesn’t care. He feels desperate and a little crazy with the information he’s just heard.

“I’m afraid so. You can talk to him. It’s said to help people in comas, talk everyday about anything. He might anchor himself to your voice and it might bring him back.”

“But you’re not sure?” He tries to not sound accusing, but he can’t really help it.

“No, I’m not.” She smiles sadly. Finn looks away.

“Okay, thank you.” Rey says for him.

Dr. Kalonia leaves the room.

“Finn, listen to me. Now is not the time to give up. He’s okay for the moment. He will pull through.”

“God I really hope so b-because Rey, fuck I don’t know what I’ll do if he dies. He can’t die. H-he’s -...” And his voice breaks and the tears escape. Rey gathers him in his arms and Finn fucking breaks down and cries. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried but once he’s let it go he can barely breathe. Rey doesn’t say anything, just hugs him closer and Finn lets everything go, the anger, the worry the fear and cries until he can’t anymore. So eventually he just stops. His throat is dry but he has no tears left to cry right now.

“Okay, I’m good.” Rey lets him go and smiles. 

“Good.”

They stay the whole night. Finn doesn’t dare leaving. 

XXXX

He wakes up at some point. The uncomfortable chair makes itself known with a crick in his neck. He stretches and tries to make it go away. He remembers Rey leaving in the early morning hours, she said she’d be back and Finn had nodded and continued to count Poe’s heartbeat. He’s still breathing, that’s what matters, he’s still breathing. He looks up and almost falls off the chair. DJ’s leaning against the wall opposite him.

“What are you doing here?” Finn grunts out. DJ shrugs, but Finn notices his normal air of arrogance is long gone, instead it’s been replaced by dark circles under his eyes and worry lines. Finn suspects he looks similar to that too.

“Just heard what happened… how is h-he?”

Finn doesn’t have it in him to tell DJ to fuck off, that he has no right to be here, but that just doesn’t seem to matter right now.

“He’s stable at the moment. But they’ve induced him into a coma. So they say five days and then they can hopefully take him off life support, then he might or might not wake up on his own.”

“Fuck.” DJ says and runs a hand through his hair.

“Yeah. “ Finn agrees. They are silent after that. The heart monitor beeps on.

“How are you doing?” DJ asks, the question surprises Finn.

“What?”

“It’s a q-question ever heard of those before?”

“Yeah, I’m not stupid.”

DJ’s eyebrow rise, he’s smirking. Finn rolls his eyes.

“I’m not great to be honest. Why do you care?”

“I don’t, but Poe does. It matters to him, t-therefore it’s important.”

Finn narrows his eyes. Okay….DJ is acting in a way Finn’s never seen before, it’s nothing short of strange. 

“You’re both fucking idiots I swear.” DJ throws his hands up expasterately. 

“What?” Finn feels like he’s missing something.

“Nothing, nothing.” DJ mutters and Finn doesn’t know what to say.

“He’ll pull through, he’s a fucking stubborn b-bastard.”

“That he is.” Finn agrees, DJ chuckles.

“He’s reckless too, doesn’t think before he acts. Stupid.”

“He saved me.” Finn looks at their intertwined hands and that he can’t bring himself to let go. It feels important somehow that he holds on. He has to.

“Of course he did. Always has to play the hero. Fucking unbelievable, makes it hard to hate him. Even in that coma he’s dangling in front of me.”

Finn frowns. DJ laughs, it’s not a happy laugh.

“I’ll k-kill him myself if he dies here.”

“Hey!”

“Relax.” But Finn’s not sure the treat is empty.

“Do you love him?” The question comes out of nowhere, Finn sputters.

“What?!” The fucking audacity DJ has asking him that right now.

“You heard me F-Finn, I know you did. So, do you?”

Finn clenches his fist but then looks DJ square in the eyes. Fuck this guy.

“Yes.” He says, he dares DJ to say anything, to make fun of him. He’ll fucking punch him in the face this time. But to his great surprise DJ only nods.

“Good.”

“Okay…?” DJ keeps saying things that sidetracks him, he can’t keep up. He’s starting to wonder if his brain is playing tricks on him and this conversation is not actually happening. Maybe he should let that med droid check his head. His anger disappears though and he’s left feeling yet again that everyone knows something he doesn’t.

“I did too.” He says after a while, his voice has taken a wistful tone.

“He’s maybe even the only person in this life I have ever truly loved. And for a while everything was good. But he was never mine to keep, and of course I knew that, from the beginning. The moment I met him I just knew. But he was so persistent and I just couldn’t keep away. I really fucking tried. But it’s Poe Dameron, he’s just easy to orbit towards even when you try your hardest not to. I think you know what I am talking about.”

“I do.” Finn whispers. He really does.

“He was too good for me I know that. And of course it ended b-badly, it was doomed to.”

“How did it end?” Finn can’t help but ask.

“The bastard saved my life. I was in a bad spot, really fucking bad. And he got me out, but he was angry, and I was angry. We both said some nasty things. But before I left I gave him my own personal codes that I promised I would always pick up on if he ever needed help. He never did until a month ago. And I? Well I had made him a promise I couldn’t say no to.”

Finn doesn’t look convinced.

“I know what you’re thinking, someone like me wouldn’t keep promises. And normally I’d agree. But one doesn’t break a promise you make to Poe Dameron. One just doesn’t. And I admit, love made me sentimental. So I had a moment of weakness and then I made a fucking promise.”

“Well that promise saved all our lives.” While their in the process of sharing, Finn might as well be honest and extend some sort of olive branch to DJ.

“I did it for him.” DJ whispers. Finn thinks that maybe, just maybe he can understand DJ in this moment. It’s strange, he hates this man’s guts, but if there is one thing he will agree with DJ on is that when Poe looks at you, it feels like he really sees you. It makes you want to be better. 

“Love changes you.” Finn looks at theirs hands again.

“It sure does.” DJ mutters.

“He’s strong.” Finn says because it’s true.

“He is yes. But even Poe Dameron has his limits. And he likes you too, and if you break his heart Finn, well, I’m not one for making threats. But you hurt him and I will come for you.”

Finn’s eyes shoot upwards. This situation is so absurd he can’t actually help the laugh that escapes him.

“What?”

He’s gone into hysterics now. Fucking hell, he can’t stop laughing.

“I’m sorry.” He wipes at the tears that have escaped. “It’s just this whole situation is so fucking weird man.”

DJ’s mouth quirks. “Oh yes.”

“But yes, threat taken seriously.” He sobers up, the words DJ’s said holds an important message. He does take that seriously at least.

“You carry something important now. He’s yours to keep. You have my blessing. And I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of his love. I do, maybe I am the only person other than you alive in this galaxy to know what it’s like. And it’s not to be taken lightly. So cherish it because he doesn’t love easy. Not anymore.”

“Okay. I will.” Finn gulps, the word heavy between them, but he looks at DJ and none of them say anything. They stare for a long time, both men searching for something in the other's eyes, and then finally DJ nods.

“Okay.” He stands up from the wall and crunches down beside Poe. He takes his other hand in his and kisses the palm. It’s such a gentle gesture, even Finn is a little surprised to see it from DJ. 

“You better wake up Dameron. You got someone waiting for you who won’t do well being on his own. Lots to live for here. Don’t leave, not yet. Okay….That’s all I had to say. Oh and also I approve of Finn, he has my approval.” He whispers. He looks fondly at Poe. Finn understand DJ so well in this moment. Poe is special. He always has been. DJ strokes Poe over his cheek and stands up again. His eyes linger for a little longer, like it’s taking him in for a last time and then he’s gone. Finn’s alone again, left with DJ’s fucking approval of something. He isn’t sure what exactly. He doesn’t know what the extent of it means, but maybe it is something good?

The conversation with DJ rings in his ears over and over again. It’s a cycle of words he can’t escape. Love and blessings but mostly just Poe Poe Poe. All he wants is for Poe to wake up so he can hear his voice again. It doesn’t matter what they would talk about, it’s not important but it’s the absence he’s left after him that makes Finn feel desperate. This doesn’t feel right to him. Poe’s always, maybe even unintentionally known how to command a room, how to take up space without being arrogant, it just doesn’t fit with what’s happened now. But more importantly, how he’s been this source of life for Finn for a long time. Even in his sleep there’s something very vibrant about him. But right now all that is gone and what’s been left is something that looks broken in a way Finn’s never thought Poe to be, not even when he carries his worst fears vividly on his face.

It’s a subject Finn doesn’t know how to broach, because he isn’t sure of the reaction it will have. Poe in his endless circle of blame and grief can be unpredictable at his worst. He doesn’t sleep much and at times he gets so lost in his head that Finn worries he’s not going to leave the place. And now after Sareg Finn has so much that he needs to say, needs to get it off his chest, because he can’t go on like he has. It’s not right to either of them, and he has to know if he’s imagining things or if the lingeringering gazes, the loaded words, the biting of lips and the sentences that sometimes mean something else is just his imagination or not. It feels to him like it should mean something, that it’s special. It sounds like those love stories he’s heard about from time to time that talked about hand holding and kissing and loving. Finn thinks that this is what love feels like. He can’t be sure though but he has this need now to find out. Only the one person he wants to talk to, to find this out with is laying white as a sheet and barely breathing in front of him.

“Please wake up.” He whispers. “Please, please, please.” He begs silently. But nothing seems to change because the heart monitor keeps taunting him with beep beep beep and Poe stays silently asleep.

XXXX

It’s day three and Finn’s not left yet. He can’t. He refuses to miss something, anything. But every time Dr. Kalonia or a droid or a medical assistant comes for the check ups the stats stubbornly stay the same. Finn wants to scream in frustration and rip his hair out and maybe destroy the room too. What good that would do he doesn’t know but he thinks it would make him feel a little better. But he’s also starting to worry. Three days and nothing has yet to change. He can’t stay positive with how high the stakes are. It’s impossible. Rey’s been with him for most of time he’s been here. They sit together often in silence but sometimes they will speak about anything that comes to mind. Finn actually realises that for the last weeks he’s spent so much time with Poe that he has forgotten that Rey plays a big part of his life too. She’s the first real friend he’s ever had and she’s the one that made him realise that this is how real friends act around each other. Poe’s also his friend but in a completely different way. But now Rey’s left for the night and he’s alone again. It’s late into the third day and soon it will bleed into the fourth day of waiting. The clock is ticking. Constantly down down down. He hasn’t let go of Poe’s hand yet.

The door opens and Rose walks in quietly.

“Hi.” She whispers.

“Hi.”

She sits down beside him and Finn continues to stroke Poe’s hand. 

“How is he?”

“Nothing’s changed.” Finn says sadly.

“Have you slept anything?”

Finn shakes his head.

“You should try to.”

“No I don’t want to.”

“How many nights have this been going on? Three? Finn… even you know that’s not healthy.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“If Poe hadn’t slept for three days straight you would be furious. You’d tell him off for taking such bad care of himself and you’d force him to take some rest.”

Finn’s struck by a memory of their fight where he’d ask Rose to update him on Poe’s wellbeing. Rose had said that he wasn’t sleeping or eating and that he spent all his time fixing ships in the abandoned hanger. She had been with him some days and Finn wasn’t surprised to hear he’d taken a quick liking to her, Rose has that effect on people. But right now Finn feels guilt like he hasn’t before about the harm he had played in pushing Poe away. He left him there, alone and sad and fixing broken ships….

“Also Poe would tell you to sleep too.”

“I can’t leave him Rose. What if he wakes up and I’m not there huh? He’ll think I’ve left him. Or w-worse, what if he dies while I’m off sleeping. I wouldn’t have time to say goodbye…I-” He can’t look at her so he focuses his eyes back on Poe’s hands. They are long and slender, a little callus from working with his hands a lot.

“He’s not going to die Finn.” Rose says softly.

“You don’t know that…”

“No I don’t, but I don’t think he will. He’s strong. You must believe he’s fighting to come back to you.”

“You weren’t there Rose. There was barely any fight left in him when he passed out for the last time. And then I couldn’t protect him and then they hurt him even more.”

“Finn....”

“No, I’ve made up my mind, I’m not leaving.”

“What if I make you a deal? You go shower and sleep for a few hours and I will sit and watch over him the whole time. I won’t take my eyes off him. And if anything, anything, even the smallest thing were to change I will come get you.”

“No-...”

“Finn I’m serious. You don’t do as I say I will force you into bed.” Her change of tone startles him and by meeting her eyes and Finn can tell she’s deadly serious.

“I won’t be able to sleep anyway.” Which is the truth.

“I’m sure Dr. Kalonia can give you something that will help with that.”

He looks at Poe trying to find and answer there. He really doesn’t want to leave him. Every bone in his body is screaming that it’s wrong to leave him now. He’s been here for it all, it’s just not right.

“It’s not right Rose…”

“No it’s not. But Poe would tell you off for wasting away like this.”

“I’m not wasting away I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything were to happen and I’m not here.”

“That’s why I’ll be here the whole time. I promise not to leave him.”

Finn doesn’t have it in him to argue about this. He does trust that Rose will stay here with Poe because the idea of Poe being alone doesn’t sit well with him. The rational part of his brain is well aware that he needs to sleep, that it’s important that he doesn’t lose himself here because it’s not healthy. He doesn’t want to end up in a circle of misery he can’t break out of. For someone who is good at being objective in many situations he’s having a hard time applying that mindset in this situation. Because his objectivity has always been clouded when Poe’s in the picture, with his tendency to distract Finn from anything that is normally logical. It becomes forgotten somewhere in the deepest corners of his mind and Finn throws caution to the wind and just goes with it. It’s like free falling, no, it’s like flying. Like when they escaped together, a split second of foolishness or bravery and then he had a pilot and a ship and a name and he was soaring through the air. That’s exactly the feeling it was like being with Poe, being around him and having the honour of his attention. When Poe looked at him it felt like flying and he wants that back so bad right now. 

When Finn was with Poe it felt like being free.

Everything seems to have a dullness to it that it didn’t have before, because now the colours have been diminished by the one person who can paint the world in something that isn’t grey. Poe was all that. He had been since they met. He had a spark to him Finn didn’t really think people could have. Even after hours of torture there was just something very alive with Poe. He was a beacon in an ocean where Finn was drowning. Sometimes he thinks that he’d been chasing that feeling, of flying, all his life, even when he didn’t know he was. He struggles very often to express in just what way Poe had saved him because he just can’t explain the feeling to other people. Living the life he had, had sucked everything out of him. He’d been a shell, dying slowly from the oppression he was living under. And then out of nowhere Poe had appeared and it was like he’d been whacked in the face. Never before had he seen anyone stand up to Kylo Ren like Poe had in that moment, clearly in a disadvantaged position, and yet done it anyway. Poe had been brave, braver than what was maybe required of anyone facing Kylo Ren. And it had made Finn brave for a moment too. He had seen an opportunity opening up for him, but he hadn’t counted on Poe breaking down barriers, each and every one put up to defend himself. But he had and Finn was screwed after. And now they had ended up in a situation where Finn couldn’t repay Poe and save him right back. He had gone somewhere where he was out of reach for Finn. Where his life was in the hands of something bigger and way more uncertain. Finn just hopes that Poe wants to live as well. Because he isn’t actually sure in this moment. It just felt...and he feels terrible for even thinking this, but on Sareg when he was dying it just felt like he was welcoming it, that he felt done with the world. Like it had broken him too much for there to be any fight left in him. Finn doesn’t want it to be the case, and he wants to be wrong. Why didn’t he tell Poe how he feels when he was here with him? Why did he have to be such a coward?

“Finn.” Rose shakes him gently bringing him out of his wandering thoughts. 

“Yeah yeah I’m still here.”

“Good, now go do what I said.”

He squeezes Poe’s still unnaturally cold hand and gently puts it back down on the bed. He forces himself to keep moving, one foot in front of the other and leave the room. He goes to find Dr. Kalonia because he knows well enough that there won’t be any sleep for him if he doesn’t take something. She doesn’t even question his request, just nods and looks through a drawer before handing him a small blue pill. He thanks it and then he leaves because if he stays another moment he will wander right back to Poe. The base is empty and quiet, it’s like Poe took all the life with him and what’s been left is silence and darkness. That’s really what it feels like to Finn as he makes his way back to their room. The room is as empty as the last time he was here. Only then at least Poe was awake and alive. Finn ignores the urge to run that suddenly overcomes him. He doesn’t belong here without Poe by his side. It doesn’t feel right.

He takes a shower, washing away the dirt and grime that’s been a permanent resident on his body for way too long. He stands in there till the water runs cold and then he stays for even longer. He gets up when’s his body is freezing cold and his teeth clattering. At least then his focus shifts to himself and he doesn’t have to think about the possibility of Poe dying for a moment. He towels himself dry and puts on a jumper he knows belongs to Poe, it’s a little tight on him but it still smells like him, oily and of something else, more fresh and clean. He stands in the middle of the room and inhales it, tries to saviour it for a little while longer and tries to not think that it might be the last time he smells him. He gets into bed on Poe’s side and buries his face in his pillow. He takes the pill and hides completely under the covers. It’s something he used to do when he was in The First Order, when things got too much for him and he couldn’t escape. And now, for the first time since he left them he feels like that again. 

Alone and scared and young.

The pill somehow works and he falls into a dreamless sleep. 

XXXX

The next morning there are still no changes.

Finn’s managed to sleep mostly throughout the night. He’s reluctant to agree with Rose but he can’t disagree with the fact that he does feel a little better this morning. When he walks into Poe’s room on the fifth day, with some hot steaming caf and a binary book he’s surprised to find not Rose, but Leia sitting in the chair he left yesterday. She hears him come in but she barely even acknowledges it, her eyes glued to Poe and an air about her that screams defeat and sadness. Finn’s never seen her this way. Weak is not the word he’s looking for here either, because she doesn’t look weak, but she looks smaller, like all that was keeping her up straight has been sucked away and what’s been left is someone who doesn’t know how to keep going anymore. Finn feels similarly to it but seeing it on Leia is a little like a slap to the face. It’s so unexpected. He wonders if when people see him, they see something similar to this. He doesn’t say anything just slowly and quietly makes his way over to the other chair and sits down across from her. 

“No changes?” He says quietly, he feels almost scared to break the silence but he needs to know. 

“No, I’m afraid not.” She doesn’t look up to meet his eyes, they are still glued to Poe. Finn notices that Leia has one of Poe’s hands closely tucked to her own heart, like she’s trying to keep him from drifting away, anchoring him back to life. 

He wonders if he should apologize to her. Defying orders, raising his voice and threatening to shoot her in hindsight doesn’t seem like a very smart move from him. He’s head had been elsewhere and rather occupied with the idea of losing Poe. Everything had been fueled by anger and frustration to the point of where he felt like he couldn’t control anything. It was powerlessness at its finest, a fear deeply ingrained in Finn by years of being controlled to the point of lifelessness. A part of him can’t help but think of his early days at the First Order. If he’d still been there, this kind of behaviour would have earned him a bullet to the back of his head. For the millionth time he feels very lucky he’s not stuck there. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday by the way. For threatening to shoot you and all that.” There’s a faint blush to his cheek, he’s not exactly proud of his behaviour. Leia does chuckle however and shrugs.

“No harm done.”

Finn realises he’s a little out of his depth here. Ever since he joined the Resistance he hasn’t really spent any alone time with Leia. She’s regal and noble and just so calm in most situations that it makes Finn uncertain of how to act around her sometimes. She’s such a good leader and of course Finn adores her. He respects her immensely and the fact that she uses kindness as a tool for earning people’s respect is so different to the many leaders he’s followed in his life. There’s no intimidation or violence in her tactics, and she listens to people, value their opinions and differences. It’s what leaders should be like. But he’s always been a little wary of her, not knowing how to properly act around her. Doing it the way Poe does, which can be with respect and care, but can differ so drastically on the same day is not something he feels like he has earned yet. For Poe it can be with petulance and a childishness that borders on rude, or sometimes anger and crudeness. Finn knows there are mutual respect and love between Poe and Leia, but Poe’s never been good with authority. He doesn’t like being controlled, it’s something he’s had to learn. Finn picked up on it rather quickly. He respects Leia, of course he does but he isn’t afraid to speak up against her either. But Poe’s changing too, after what’s happened to him he’s a different man to when they first met. He’s growing, constantly evolving and Finn thinks that one day the best person to take over from Leia really would be Poe. Finn knows Poe doesn’t believe that these days, but Finn has hope. He sees it. And Poe cares. It’s through this all his biggest strength. When the day comes (he refuses to think if) Finn will be the first one to support Poe in the position. 

But sitting with a Leia who’s not the General at the moment is a little strange to him. He’s not sure if he should say anything or be quiet or what’s to be expected of him here. He’s not sure his weak words of comfort will be appreciated. With each passing day sticking to any positive thoughts seem harder and harder. The clock is ticking down and Poe stubbornly refuses to wake up. Everything remains the same.

“Do you think he can hear us?” He finds himself asking when the silence gets too much and the voices of doubt too loud in his head.

“Yes, I do.” Leia says kindly. 

“What would you say to him if he can?” The question is maybe too intrusive but Finn just wants some sort of idea of where to start. Where to go from here and how to help.

Leia looks at him for the first time. Tired eyes, a little lifeless but still very much like Finn remembers them to be. Wise.

She looks thoughtful.

“That he made his dad a promise to survive, if he breaks that Kes Dameron is coming for me. I’d like to avoid it.” It’s meant to be a joke but it falls a little flat. Her mouth twitches and Finn’s does it as well, on its own accord, maybe even out of desperation to feel something other than sadness. 

“You haven’t med Kes Dameron have you?” She asks. Finn shakes his head.

“A force to be reckoned with when he’s angry. You wouldn’t believe that of the man when you first meet him. He’s calm and very collected, pretty much the opposite of Poe. But if you start pushing the wrong buttons and he has a temper. Poe knows how to push each and every one of them. He’s very much like his mother as you may have heard.”

“I have yes, I would have liked to meet her.”

“Yes, special woman. She would have liked you I’m sure. Maybe even given you a talk about how to treat her son.”

Finn flushes a deep red shade and Leia’s eyes sparkle. Alive again. She laughs.

“Don’t worry, you won’t get such a talk from me. I if anyone know what a fool Poe Dameron can be.”

Finn chuckles, but the blush still stays. He’s surprised to find that the whole goddamn base seems to be aware of his small (big) infatuation with the foolish man lying in front of them. But at the same time, Poe’s popular and not without reason. And probably wanted by many. The fact that there are gossip circulating around the ex stormtrooper and the sauve hot pilot who sleeps with everyone (yes even Finn can’t escape the rumours) doesn’t come as a great surprise to Finn. He wishes he could proudly say they were true, but unfortunately for him they’re not.

And Finn’s learn not to listen to rumours and gossip. They tend to be all lies. The rumours about Poe, most of them he’s realised are in fact untrue. He’s popular and that’s unsurprising because when one gets to know him he’s kind. Finn suspects that underneath all the smoothness and coolness, the front Poe wears around himself like armour, he’s lonely. He longs for connection and intimacy and ultimately as most of them do, love. He’s not looking for a one night stand or some quick random get together with someone he doesn’t know. Not anymore. Maybe that used to be who Poe was and he can’t escape that image these days, but Finn sees through it. Underneath is someone who wants peace in all the ways one can imagine. Someone tired of fighting and never claiming the rewards. Finn is learning that Poe is a rather complex person, who wants one thing and then another, whose emotions are in constant conflict and how he sometimes does the exact opposite of what he says he’s going to do. 

It makes him unpredictable and hard to read at times too. Finn has learnt to accept that when Poe tells him one thing it’s not always what he actually means. He is often forced to read between the lines, it’s at times extremely frustrating. Finn is different. Coming from the First Order he learned early to keep his mouth shut, the reward for speaking out of turn always lead to some sort of punishment, the worst, a shot to the neck. But breaking free of all the restraints that were forced on him meant freedom in all areas of his life. These last years he’s learnt to find his voice, and while he fights mostly using his body, he enjoys the freedom of speaking and saying what he wants. So that’s what he does. He understands social codes and behaviour, even though he’s struggled with it. Which has lead to how he understands that sometimes it’s not appropriate to always speak up and say what you want. He tries at least. But with Poe he likes to push just a little, to see how far it can go, how Poe will react and what he’ll say. He doesn’t do it to be mean of course. But sometimes honesty just slips into his words on their own accord and he really is learning that the same cannot be expected from other people. People are complex and confusing and so very frustrating, Poe Dameron definitely the most confusing one out of them all. But Finn’s also learning that it’s what makes them all human. Not broken shells and unfeeling robots that he was taught to be, that’s not living. No being human is feeling all the emotions, the good and the bad and accept them for what they are, not push them away. 

But he’s never met anyone like Poe, that’s for sure.

“Thanks.” Finn clears his throat and tries to hide his flustered state. 

“After all you don’t need my approval if you want to be together with Poe.” Leia continues mercilessly.

Finn wants to die.

Fucking hell what is this? 

He feels called out in the worst possible way. It strikes him then that he’s a little out of depth and if Leia is joking or not is not very clear to him. Does he need anyone’s approval if he wants to date Poe? He doesn’t know…. Poe’s always made it clear to him that no one makes the decisions for him, he does that himself and now when Finn is here he gets to do that too. He’s so confused.

“Ehhh…” An appropriate answer for the heavy statement clearly. Leia chuckles and a little bit of colour and liveliness returns to her face. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t care about all that Finn. That’s way too conservative for someone like me.”

“Okay…” Finn is still not a 100% there in this conversation.

“If it makes you feel any better though I think you’re very good for him. Poe, well you know him just as well as me these days, but he has this tendency to push away the good things... Don’t let him.”

Their eyes meet and Finn doesn’t look away. He’s still a little flustered about Leia’s apparent knowledge of his feelings towards Poe. He wonders if he’s just obvious about it? Or what it is that makes so many people seem to know that he cares. And while Finn isn’t ashamed of his attraction to Poe, hell he isn’t even ashamed of the attraction he feels towards other men, it does strike Finn as a little strange that Leia seems to be aware of it too and not care either. It’s freeing, to suddenly know that people around him doesn’t seem to mind the attraction he feels to Poe. That’s how he wants it to be for everyone. 

“Okay, I won’t.” He eventually says, Leia seems happy with the answer.

“Good. Remember to seize the moments, they’re rare, and love it’s even rarer. So few are given to us to love in a lifetime. Take it from someone who knows.”

Finn thinks of Han Solo and of Rey and Rose and of all the people around him that love someone. He wants it too. He wants to be with Poe. There’s a longing inside of him that he can’t get rid of, but having Poe close is becoming addictive and he can’t go on for long without him. He did it once already with their fight, he doesn’t want that again. He wants to love someone, have someone to give himself over to completely and vice versa.

He wants Poe to wake up.

“He’ll wake up.” Finn says, desperate. He HAS to wake up. Leia is quiet for a while.

“Yes, I think so too. I have a feeling he will have a big part to play in the future. You too for that matter Finn.”

“Me?”

She nods, and smiles, endlessly wise and caring. 

“Yes, you, Poe, Rey, Rose, the whole of The Resistance.”

“And you?” She tilts her head.

“I have a feeling I am not done either.”

“Good, the resistance would be nothing without you.”

“Oh Finn.” She says softly. “That’s not true, there will be a day when I am not around, when you are going to have to take care of each other, all of you. When you are going to have to go on anyway, without me.”

He doesn’t like the sound of it, he frowns, does she know something the rest of them don’t?

“Until then, make sure you have told Poe how you feel.” She smirks, a clever tactic of distraction indeed because he blushes again and looks down and takes Poe’s other hand in his own. He might as well lean into it now that she knows and he has her approval too.

Leia has a knowing look in her eyes but she doesn’t say anything else after. She stays almost as long as Finn does that day but eventually she’s called back to her missions and Finn is left alone again. When night time rolls around he can’t bring himself to leave.

XXXX

On the 6th day everything is still the same and Finn is about to crawl out of his own skin. He hasn’t slept at all.

He’s so scared. 

XXXX

On the night of the 7th day Finn is desperate out of his own mind. The air inside the room is colder than usual and Finn’s made sure to wrap Poe up in another blanket he found lying around. He’s tried so hard to be positive about this all but it’s all run out now. He’s not the only one who’s beginning to suspect the worst. Leia has not been around since the other day but the little Finn has seen of her tells him enough. She looks pale and drawn back for the next days. Rose and Rey look scared as well and Rey paces with pent up energy when she’s around that even gets to Finn a little too much. He feels like he’s ready to start climbing the walls now. Doubt is eating them all up inside. Finn’s at his wits end right now. He doesn’t know what to do.

It’s because he’s so desperate that he reaches for Poe’s cold hand. He holds it to his own face and closes his eyes.

He doesn’t even have time to think about how foolish he must look.

“H-hey…” He starts off and tries to keep the tears away. “Hey, I need you to wake up Poe. Please wake up.” 

Quiet.

He opens his eyes and brings Poe’s hand to his mouth. He blows some hot air onto it and squeezes it between his bigger hands. Please wake up he thinks. 

He moves his legs to sit more comfortably, and that’s when he feels it. He moves the other hand not holding onto Poe into his pocket. He gasps when he realises what it is. It’s Poe’s ring and he has completely forgotten about it. He studies it closer, it’s a nice looking ring, sturdy and silver. He doesn’t know what to do with it but he knows that this is not something one gives away lightly. This, this means something. And he wants Poe to wake up so he can ask about it. He wants Poe to wake up so he can tell him he loves him. At least Finn thinks he does. He’s the best person Finn’s ever met and he needs more time now so he can tell him all that’s been left unsaid.

Out of sheer desperation he clutches the ring against Poe’s hand, grasping them both and breathes, tries to think of the proper thing to say.

“The force brought us together Poe… I know you don’t like it, but I think sometimes good things can come from bad things too, not just the other way around. I was nothing and no one before we met but then I took off my helmet and you saw something in me. You saved me in all the ways someone can be saved and I just...I just need you to come back to me. Please, just please Poe. Please.”

The heart monitor beats on...

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of Finn feeling, sorryyy but it will all work out for him!
> 
> Okay, so part 3 of the series is in the works. I have left that but it is way under way and chapter one really just needs to be beta'd and then it should be done for publishing. I have also completely separate to this gone and written a finnpoe Titanic au that is about 60 000 words right now because my brain thought that would be fitting for some reason. It's sort of consumed me for the last couple of weeks and I hope I can get that out too.
> 
> I am on tumblr at beeexx.tumblr.com and beex_1 on twitter where I am the most active about Finn and Poe who own my heart! Thanks for reading!
> 
> and happy new year to you all!


End file.
